Lost Finale Spoof
by HeidiBug731
Summary: A spoof over the Season One Finale of Lost. Very Funny, or so my friends have told me.


**Lost Finale Season 1**

Claire: I'm so emotional, and with everything that's happened to me, you'd think the writers would give me a break.

Charlie: Sayid, I need a gun so I can shoot the writers.

Sayid: Um . . . how about no?

--LOST--

Hurley: Dude, the Black Rock is a ship! I bet NO ONE saw this coming!

Arzt: Creepy ghost ship in the middle of the Island. I KNOW there's a logical explanation for this.

Kate: I'll just open this crate labeled "explosives" with this pickax.

Jack: Don't do that! You'll go BOOM! I mean, we'll all go boom.

Kate: I'm getting tired of you and your rising protective male instincts.

Arzt: Non-main characters are people too.

Hurley: . . .

Arzt: So tell me, what makes Kate so special?

Hurley: Dude, in case you haven't noticed . . . she's hot.

Arzt: What are you people doing? Put the boom-boom sticks down! NOW!

Kate: How come the guys I'm actually attracted to never ask me to take my shirt off?

Arzt: Nitro blah blah blah creator blah blah blew his friggin' face off blah blah blah. The moral to the story is; don't wave boom-boom sticks.

Fans: AH! OMG! WTF? Arzt!

Hurley: Dude . . . Arzt go BOOM!

--LOST--

Flashback Sayid: If I ever find the B-tch who left my bag unattended . . .

Shannon: Lugage sucks! I suck! The whole friggin' world sucks!

Shannon haters: NO! Sayid, stay the hell away from her! She makes you act stupid and look totally un-hot.

Sayid: Why don't you leave one of those bags unattended so I can carry it for you?

Shannon: Because YOU suck!

--LOST--

Claire: Those scratches on your arm look like the ones Ethan had on his face. It's too bad I still can't remember anything.

Danelle: Maybe if I bash your head in, you'll remember something. Ops, guess not.

Charlie: Noooooo! Turnip head! Sayid, you suck!

Sayid: Since you're even more emotional than you were earlier, I guess it's okay to give you a gun now.

--LOST--

Jack: You suck at jokes, Locke, stick with the creepyness. You're better at that.

Locke: I like games, especially Operation.

Jack: I like Follow the Leader. And the leader says Kate can't carry the boom-boom sticks.

Locke: Let's play the game of Fate.

Kate: Fate says your rising protective male instincts suck, Jack.

Jack: And I say screw Fate! We're playing Follow the Leader!

--LOST--

Sawyer: You'd think I'd stop reading since I have to wear these dorky glasses.

Fan Girls: (smirk) If Sawyer's Harry Potter, we want to ride his broomstick.

Sawyer: I'm married in real life, so back off.

Fan Girls: Well, can we at least try out your wand then?

Flashback Michael: Life sucks.

Jin: Don't look now, but the rudder's gone.

Michael: And life still sucks.

Sawyer: I'll get it!

Fan Girls: Yay! Shirtless Sawyer goodness!

Sawyer: Would you mind handing me my shirt back? I need the gun to shoot these fan girls.

--LOST--

Girl: Did we shag last night? I did too much heroin, can't remember.

Flashback Charlie: Sorry, Champaign erased my memory.

Girl: Got more snuff for the road?

Flashback Charlie: Nah . . . I don't do drugs and drive. Want a drink?

Girl: What's in your hand?

Flashback Charlie: Um . . . air?

Girl: Give me the heroin, you pathetic git!

Flashback Charlie: But it's so beautiful. . . .

Charlie: Can't breathe . . . lungs burning . . .

Sayid: Let's take a break.

Charlie: No! . . . Must save . . . turnip head . . .

Sayid: Um, yeah, lack of oxygen not good. His name's Aaron, Charlie.

Charlie: (Collapses) Oh, look, a plane!

Sayid: (Smashes porcelain saint figure) Oh, look! Heroin! Heroin! Heroin!

Charlie: . . .

Sayid: Okay, break over.

Fans: WTF, Sayid? Charlie, no! Don't look at it! Turn away, turn away!

Charlie: . . . It's still so beautiful . . .

--LOST--

Hurley: We either get eaten or we blow up. Those are nice odds.

Security System: FEE! FI! FO! FUM!

Kate: Notice that I DON'T take off my dynamite filled backpack.

Jack: Notice that I DO.

Locke: Hello, monster. Want to play Operation?

Jack: WTF, Locke? You're supposed to be running AWAY!

Locke: Let it eat me, I'll be fine.

Jack: If you call being-sucked-down-into-a-hole-and-eaten-by-some-gaseous-looking-figure-that-doesn't-seem-to-have-a-mouth-so-it-couldn't-possibly-eat-you fine!

Dynamite/Nitro: I go BOOM!

Security System: No! I am no match for big scary boom-boom sticks! Run away, run away!

--LOST--

Charlie: AH! Falling coconuts!

Sayid: Ha! Ha! Charlie's a coconut head!

Charlie: If only you'd told me to tilt my head back before hand, it would've stopped bleeding.

Sayid: Well, you can either go back to Jack or I can amputate your head.

Charlie: Can't you just burn the wound shut?

Sayid. Oh, okay. Just remember this was your idea.

Charlie: No, wait a minute! AHHHHHH! MOTHER F---ER!

--LOST--

Flashback Hurley: The numbers are bad.

Blonde Flight Attendant at the Ticket Desk: Let's remind the viewers of how much weight you HAVEN'T lost.

Flashback Hurley: Oooooh, look at all the pretty cursed numbers.

Flight Attendant Loading Passengers: As luck would have it, the jetway's closed.

Flashback Hurley: The machine ate my ticket. You have to let me on.

Flight Attendant Loading Passengers: Oh, okay then.

Flashback Hurley: I could kiss you.

Flight Attendant Loading Passengers: How about a hug instead . . . eww sweaty fat man!

Hurley: The numbers are still bad.

Fans: We'll say. Torches with dynamite makes important main characters go BOOM!

Hurley: Speaking of which, does anyone other than me notice that a majority of the main characters have backpacks, but only two actually use them?

--LOST--

Jack: I'm disturbed by your faithfulness and by your desire to play Operation with the monster.

Locke: You're blinded by your scientificness and by your dislike for Operation jokes.

Jack: We'll see who telling jokes when I sick Shannon on you.

Locke: The monster wanted to be my friend.

Jack: And Shannon doesn't.

Locke: The island is alive . . . with the sound of music.

Jack: Did you tell Boone about the sound of music, John?

Fans: (Burst into tears) Boone, we love you!

Locke: Boone was a sacrifice to the island.

Jack: I should've let the Security System eat you!

--LOST--

Sayid: A piece of burning . . . something . . . with no tracks around it. That can only mean one thing.

Charlie: What?

Sayid: That the Others know how to cover their tracks.

Charlie: . . .

Sayid: Or that they can fly.

Charlie: We're screwed.

Sayid: Why are you standing all the way back there?

Charlie: No reason, except that I've recently developed a fear of fire.

Danielle: The Others are not here.

Sayid: Which can only mean they're somewhere else.

Danielle: Take turnip head, he's wet.

Sayid: Wow. She was going to give Aaron to the Others to get Alex just like I gave my friend to the CIA to get Nadia.

Charlie: You BOTH need some serious therapy!

--LOST--

Jack: I hope you realize that you would've exploded if I hadn't put the dynamite in my pack.

Kate: I guess your rising protective male instincts work after all.

Hurley: I'll just waddle around like an idiot and try to stamp out this fuse.

Jack: WTF, Hurley?

Hurley: The numbers are REALLY bad!

Jack: Hurley, do you WANT to go BOOM?

Hurley: But the numbers are REALLY, REALLY bad!

Jack: Rising protective male instincts to the rescue!

Hurley: . . . Dude . . . get off me. THE NUMBERS ARE BAD!

--LOST--

Sawyer: Let's make Star Wars analogies!

Michael: I'll be Han.

Jin: I'll be Chewy.

Sawyer: I'm Luke.

Creepy Bearded Man with the Creepy Search Light on the Creepy Boat: And I'm Leia!

Sawyer: . . .

Micheal: Who the hell are you?

Creepy Bearded Man with the Creepy Search Light on the Creepy Boat: You'd think that since I keep saying the same thing over and over again, you'd realize I'm one of the Others.

Sawyer: I POINT blaster--I mean, gun at you!

Other Creepy Man on the Creepy Boat Who Looks Like He Could Be the Other Creepy Man's Body Gaurd: I SHOOT gun at you!

Sawyer: OW! Why didn't I think of that? SPLASH!

Fans: OMG! No! Sawyer, we love you!

Jin: I'll save you! No, wait, I was supposed to say that in Korean.

Walt: Dad, please! Don't let them probe my brain!

Creepy Woman on the Creepy Boat: A lot of people think I'm Alex, but I just think I'll blow up this raft.

Bomb: I go BOOM at you!

--LOST--

Claire: OMG! Your head!

Charlie: Don't worry, I've got some heroin that will make it all better.

Shannon: Sorry, Sayid. I guess you don't suck now.

Shannon haters: WHORE! Whore, whore, whore!

Happy music: I make everything seem happy when in fact Locke has just opened Pandora's Box.

Hatch: I went BOOM!

Any Hope Our Heroes Had: Fly away, Fly away!

Broken Ladder: Ha! Ha! All your efforts have been in vain! Sure, you figured out how to open the hatch, but how are you suppose to get down into it? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Fans: WTF? You can't end it there! . . . I'm writing to the writers. Make the DVD come out sooner!


End file.
